Stuffed squirrels ,cracked mirrors and other Shite

Its been a very long time since I blogged. More than a month to be precise. It isnt as if I havent had anything interesting happening to me these days. The problem, it seems to me, lies in abundance. Plenty is a pain indeed, and people yearn fot it!!

I have these really wierd ideas . But its as if I need to put them down in writing at that moment itself, otherwise swarms of other ideas come into my mind. I had this idea about squirrels. I really do admire them. They , to me , embody the very spirit of detachedness. They'll peacefully nibble at a nut for the whole day, while we humans crib and cry about our travails. You could even say that I am jealous of them.But just as I thought i'd write a blog entry about them, I started thinking of grandiose words ... "Effervescent","Transience",and all that shite that reallly doesnt matter. But words are dangerous things. They take you away from the road you were walking on, and put you in an altogether different city, familiar but different. So then I started thinking about how squirrels remind me of all those things that they should not remind me of, and then about why they should not remind me of the things I thought they should not remind me of.....You know, all that kind of silly shite.

So thats how it has been. A friend of mine told me to think about what I am going to write. Works for him. Doesnt seem to for me!!! I see these detached chapters of some great story, grander than you and I have ever read in my life. But I see them all jumbled up and mixed up, Chapter 49 after Chapter 2. And just like an ant on a rolling wheel, I can sense that there is something really huge going on, and it may be beyond me, but all these seemingly uncorrelated pieces of paper flitting by in front of my eyes are really meant to be held together by one cover. I guess thats what separates a great writer from ordinary ones(if you are ready to ascribe at least that to me). There is no Neverland, that magical place where you can go if you believe you can. Its right here, right now, scurrying by you like a squirrel. Dont try to grab it, just lose yourself in it. After all, reality is what we believe, isnt it?

So much for all that limbo. All that groping about for the torch is really a fruitless activity. All pretences at sense is really a wild jab at a demon that does not exist. Because that eternal quest of mankind to make everything everything sensible actually makes things more insensible. The truth of the jigsaw puzzle is not in the fact that they give a coherent picture when arranged in a certain way, but in the fact that they are meant to be jumbled up. Every piece has its own story. Look carefully. Each piece has a story to tell. Look at the edges. You'll see the places where the paper hasnt cut neatly, and how the paper tapers off towards the edges. That is its reality. Otherwise, if a picture is all that you needed, why not take a photo and stare at it!!!

Its possible that i'll never be able to write a contiguous line of action, because I stopped having continuous streams of thought a very long time back. Now i just have glimpses. These flashes of the world that i so yearn to be a part of, not knowing that I already am. I see these unconnected pieces flying like popcorn, not realizing that its my own life i am seeing. Sure its unconnected, but whoever said anything about an individual being connected!!!

So in away we are all like the guy in Memento...all of us lack ashort term memory...at least as soon as we try to do anything of substance...You remember your face when you see yourself in the mirror. You can recall you face. But is your own face imprinted in your mind in a way that it actually leaves its mark on everything you do? I would think not... Its not only easy to forget who you are, why you are thinking what you are thinking, and indeed what you were thinking, because its perfectly human to do so. The burden of mankind lies in its ability to think. Thats why we forget what we wrre thinking. There wouldnt be a problem if we didnt think at all!

And after all. All of us need mirrors. To remind us who we are. To help us piece together something that looks coherent, whereas nothing is. The mirror not only reflects reality, it constructs it.

Look into it. Is it you in the mirror, or are you a creation of it?