Extraordinary
Today I am scared.Inexplicably scared. Inexplicably scared that I might be mediocre. Inexplicably scared that I might not be extraordinary in anything at all. And well, since no one reads my blog, I dont mind saying it aloud here.
As far back as I remember, one part of me has wanted to be extraordinary. So extraordinary that I wake up every morning and am shocked by my own extarordinariness. I always wanted to be famous, and probably for people to worship me like a God. I always wanted to win the wimbledon, be rated as Rolling Stones as the greatest Guitarist of all time, and get the Nobel, all in one lifetime.I wanted to be extraordinarily happy. I wanted to be extraordinarier than the extraordinariest.I wanted my name to be engraved on every man's door, etched indelibly in the newborn baby's brain. Some part of me, the worst part of me probably, wanted me to be extraordinary enough to be able to do as I like, to slaughter all laws and rules lain down for common folk, and still wake up every morning to find that people worship me.
But what if? The question has been lurking at the back of my mind, and reading the Deathly Hallows inexplicably blew the dam apart into shreds. but what if I turn out to have a mediocre life? What if I have to grind it out like the rest of us?What will I do? It will shatter me probably to realize that I am but a man.What if after twenty years of being a physicist, I produce nothing for people to remember me by. What if sweating it out over the span of my life,I realize that I wont be mentioned in the same breath as the Gods? What if I land up with a girl who is incompatible enough with me to ensure that I am never extraordinarily happy, that I never experience the extraordinary heights of Cupid's unscrupulous doings? What if I die an ordinary death, writhing in my bed, unable to turn from one side to the other, writhing in the concious pain that my childhood dreams lie shattered with me upon my deathbed? What will I do then?
I feel exhausted. My 21 year old body seems like it has seen a lot more than a hundred. I am exhausted, and yet blood pumps feverish through all the veins in my body at the very thought. They say that perseverence is the only extraordinariness in extraordinary men. Is that it? And what if whatever I am putting into it is not extraordinary. What if I am just not good enough?I would even subject myself to the extraordinariest pain imaginable at this moment if only I knew how to, just for the sake of bringing in a tinge of the extraordinary into an otherwise ordinary life. If only I was a wizard..
In my 21 years , I have hardly shown any sign of any impending greatness. I am ordinary in all respects, and seem quite set to lead a normal "happy" life. But the very thought repels me. I have to be extraordinary. I couldnt look at myself in the mirror if i werent. If I am extraordinary , then it is only in one thing. This overwhelming desire to be extraordinary. This all conquering pain at slowly realizing that I am sliding down the well trodden path, with all the rest of humankind. I pity fellow humans, even if they suffer less than me, for knowing that they wont be remembered by posterity , and being perfectly agreeable to it. If I had to bargain me place in heaven to realize this maddenning craving for extraordinariness, I would probably do it.
But I cant.
I feel so exhausted suddenly that i can write no more. I feel sick, at myself and the world in which I live, incapable of suffering with me, happily gawking at me, thinking that I am a hypocrite, a gouged ego floating away before lightning struck me dead as burnt rubber an be.
I am sorry to anyone who is reading this,
I didnt mean to hurt you
As far back as I remember, one part of me has wanted to be extraordinary. So extraordinary that I wake up every morning and am shocked by my own extarordinariness. I always wanted to be famous, and probably for people to worship me like a God. I always wanted to win the wimbledon, be rated as Rolling Stones as the greatest Guitarist of all time, and get the Nobel, all in one lifetime.I wanted to be extraordinarily happy. I wanted to be extraordinarier than the extraordinariest.I wanted my name to be engraved on every man's door, etched indelibly in the newborn baby's brain. Some part of me, the worst part of me probably, wanted me to be extraordinary enough to be able to do as I like, to slaughter all laws and rules lain down for common folk, and still wake up every morning to find that people worship me.
But what if? The question has been lurking at the back of my mind, and reading the Deathly Hallows inexplicably blew the dam apart into shreds. but what if I turn out to have a mediocre life? What if I have to grind it out like the rest of us?What will I do? It will shatter me probably to realize that I am but a man.What if after twenty years of being a physicist, I produce nothing for people to remember me by. What if sweating it out over the span of my life,I realize that I wont be mentioned in the same breath as the Gods? What if I land up with a girl who is incompatible enough with me to ensure that I am never extraordinarily happy, that I never experience the extraordinary heights of Cupid's unscrupulous doings? What if I die an ordinary death, writhing in my bed, unable to turn from one side to the other, writhing in the concious pain that my childhood dreams lie shattered with me upon my deathbed? What will I do then?
I feel exhausted. My 21 year old body seems like it has seen a lot more than a hundred. I am exhausted, and yet blood pumps feverish through all the veins in my body at the very thought. They say that perseverence is the only extraordinariness in extraordinary men. Is that it? And what if whatever I am putting into it is not extraordinary. What if I am just not good enough?I would even subject myself to the extraordinariest pain imaginable at this moment if only I knew how to, just for the sake of bringing in a tinge of the extraordinary into an otherwise ordinary life. If only I was a wizard..
In my 21 years , I have hardly shown any sign of any impending greatness. I am ordinary in all respects, and seem quite set to lead a normal "happy" life. But the very thought repels me. I have to be extraordinary. I couldnt look at myself in the mirror if i werent. If I am extraordinary , then it is only in one thing. This overwhelming desire to be extraordinary. This all conquering pain at slowly realizing that I am sliding down the well trodden path, with all the rest of humankind. I pity fellow humans, even if they suffer less than me, for knowing that they wont be remembered by posterity , and being perfectly agreeable to it. If I had to bargain me place in heaven to realize this maddenning craving for extraordinariness, I would probably do it.
But I cant.
I feel so exhausted suddenly that i can write no more. I feel sick, at myself and the world in which I live, incapable of suffering with me, happily gawking at me, thinking that I am a hypocrite, a gouged ego floating away before lightning struck me dead as burnt rubber an be.
I am sorry to anyone who is reading this,
I didnt mean to hurt you
posted by '~-)Sandman(-~' at 11:14 AM
9 Comments:
dude this is so right...i'm so extraordinary and i feel this may never be appreciated by the proles in this lifetime....this is so depressing :(
well,there is something close to extraordinary that u do possess.u might not be blessed with the mathemathical prowess and scientific intuition to be a great physicist,but maybe the way u articulate ur frustration is pretty beautiful.maybe,u could make a great writer.so,if u really want to be "GREAT",try to take this
"i want to be extra.." bug out of ur mind and pursue wat u love or are passionate about and be indifferent to public opinion.Greatness would then come walking to u,albeit,not overnight.
I met u recently.
welcome to the club of people who believe that their blogs don't get read... i am offerin' you the co-presidentship, seeing as you are the second member that I have found for it...
oh i will definitely read the rest but have a quiz tomorrow....
But eventually the words became intelligible http://www.jouqoech.info/?search=yamaha+mbk and took meaning.. , was chosen in compliance with http://www.jouqoech.info/?search=Trekkingsandale this delicate suggestion...
certainly the most intresting blog i have ever read, so much so, that i ended up reading upto "A Confession" in a single sitting...
wonder if you really are as intresting in person as you are in this alteranate reality full of papayas adn helicopter insects...
well, i'll just continue to read, and continure to wonder...
Now this one is a far more direct narrative. Guess a lot of people can relate to weird fears similar to these that grips one most unexpectedly from time to time.
It's temporary but a recurring thing...
the thing is, you dont necessarily have to be extraordinary to be worshipped(there might be a significant overlap, i concede). you just have to convince a sufficiently large number of people about whatever it is you are saying.
film actors are a case in point, almost literally.
so which is it? do you want to be extraordinary or famous? in your favour, people who are both are all physicists, or so it seems to me.
i have been thinking (and i dont quite remember what i wrote here), and i think i'd want to be so extraordinary that people cant help noticing me....ergo famous too [:p]
some food for thought(even though it might not quench ur thirst/hunger)...
You for one have such a strong desire to be "extraordinary"..I guess that itself makes you a part of the "extraordinary league"...
Also think about it---There cannot be "extraordinary"..widout the ordinary..rite..relativity(just like physics)...since u werent born as a prodigy..might as well undertake the treacherous journey to the top instead of just wanting to land there in a chopper!!!
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