Application blues
Now, I am hardly the racist I am made out to be, Why, I am probably the only Indian who showed genuine skepticism about the hypothesis that Andrew Symonds is a monkey. His ancestors were, but that is an entirely different matter altogether. Now , assuming the fact that i am in fact not a racist, one has to take seriously my claim that a certain green skinned race of people, (to whose stronghold I surreptitiously plan to defect to sometime this year, owing to their established monetary pre-eminence) are very dumb.
Especially the people who deal with our petitions (The details of which i'd rather not divulge, but which roughly speaking outline the plight of our existence in a poor third world country (as seen on tv, and the dvd of that movie, बस्ती का कुत्ता करोड़पति) . I mean, I would say I am a very good speaker of the language they supposedly speak, but after a few conversations with their finest, I am left in serious doubt. They simply seem unable to process compound sentences with connectives. You say "See, my point is that you have not recieved my scores to this, but you have recieved my scores to that, which is quite absurd considering I ordered the two together". And then, after a brief awkward gap of about 10 seconds, when you almost give up any hope of conveying your problems, and in the bigger picture, of making the transition from being an alpha in a third world country to being a gamma in The promised land (of the green people) , a raspy Green female voice suddenly crackles through your headphone (if you use skype) "Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, I got that, you were saying your point is , I am sorry, what?", then you proceed to remove all connectives from whatever you said, and proceed to say something that makes no sense to you whatsoever, and miraculously, they understand.!!!, Of course, even that joy is shortlived when you discover that they mistook whatever you said (sans the connectives ) to be a complement to their mothers, but anyway, at least they understood something.
These Green people are a people with an affirmative mindset, (again, as seen on tv broadcasts of a certain dark green skinned guy's speeches, where the positive mindset was only too evident by the hoardes screaming "Yes we can". Nobody yet knows what they can, but hey, who cares). Speaking of this dark green gent, it also is evident that for so rich and prosperous a nation, the Promised Land seems remarkably short of change, but that is for another day, though i 'd like to say that not having change is a precarious situation indeed, and it leads to you opening accounts with all varieties of fruit stalls, chaat wallahs, etc etc. But yeah, coming back to what i was saying, these people are extremely positive, often mindbogglingly so. For example, they start every sentence with at least 4 "yeah"'s. Now this, I have observed, often has a very uplifting effect. Although, I must also add that what follows is seldom uplifting, but a little positivity never hurt anyone, eh?
There was this one time, when I called up ETS (which is this agency incharge of importing the brawniest of the third world young and ambitious to allow them to be employed in the excellently morally emancipating fields of working in coal mines and cleaning the green people's latrines). The conversation went something like this
"I see sir, your scores were not sent because when you ordered them, they were not available"
Then I, flummoxed and awed by the sheer weight of intellect at the other end of the line, proceeded to say something like "But your website says that if I do that, you will wait till my scores ARE available", to which the answer was something like "I see sir, your scores were not sent because when you ordered them, they were not available". Now, underestimating third world people is a very common mistake, which I proved immediately by retorting, "Then how is it that you sent the scores to half the places I wanted you to send them to, and not to the other half", and the reply was again, believe it or not "I see sir, your scores were not sent because when you ordered them, they were not available". I was about to hang up, nearly in tears, and at the same time, marvelling at the sheer genius of placing an automatic answering machine with a pre-recorded message to deal with offensive calls. Wonderful, amazing, I want to be one of them. Maybe I'll get some brilliant ideas if that came to pass. I seriously would have died believing that had the headphone not suddenly crackled back into life and said "Sir, i think I know what the problem is ", and proceeded to recount to me how her mother dealt with a bout of acute acne by mixing toadstool with toad.
It was these isolated events, that, on a more sombre note, made me realize that maybe the reason for the green-ness (the type that comes from prosperity) of The Green People and the green-ness (the type that comes from envy) of others is the fact they are so lacking in something, which I cannot quite pinpoint, that they dont waste precious time writing a blog post full of witticisms, and utilize it instead in drinking and spawning, which, it must be realized, is the key to prosperity. of course, there is enough drinking and spawning in third world countries, but the catch is that its not co-ordinated optimally. Co-ordination of drinking and spawning is a science, which we do not understand, because we use too many logical connectives in our sentences.
The green people mastered it. That is why they have so many greenbacks.
sigh...
Especially the people who deal with our petitions (The details of which i'd rather not divulge, but which roughly speaking outline the plight of our existence in a poor third world country (as seen on tv, and the dvd of that movie, बस्ती का कुत्ता करोड़पति) . I mean, I would say I am a very good speaker of the language they supposedly speak, but after a few conversations with their finest, I am left in serious doubt. They simply seem unable to process compound sentences with connectives. You say "See, my point is that you have not recieved my scores to this, but you have recieved my scores to that, which is quite absurd considering I ordered the two together". And then, after a brief awkward gap of about 10 seconds, when you almost give up any hope of conveying your problems, and in the bigger picture, of making the transition from being an alpha in a third world country to being a gamma in The promised land (of the green people) , a raspy Green female voice suddenly crackles through your headphone (if you use skype) "Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, I got that, you were saying your point is , I am sorry, what?", then you proceed to remove all connectives from whatever you said, and proceed to say something that makes no sense to you whatsoever, and miraculously, they understand.!!!, Of course, even that joy is shortlived when you discover that they mistook whatever you said (sans the connectives ) to be a complement to their mothers, but anyway, at least they understood something.
These Green people are a people with an affirmative mindset, (again, as seen on tv broadcasts of a certain dark green skinned guy's speeches, where the positive mindset was only too evident by the hoardes screaming "Yes we can". Nobody yet knows what they can, but hey, who cares). Speaking of this dark green gent, it also is evident that for so rich and prosperous a nation, the Promised Land seems remarkably short of change, but that is for another day, though i 'd like to say that not having change is a precarious situation indeed, and it leads to you opening accounts with all varieties of fruit stalls, chaat wallahs, etc etc. But yeah, coming back to what i was saying, these people are extremely positive, often mindbogglingly so. For example, they start every sentence with at least 4 "yeah"'s. Now this, I have observed, often has a very uplifting effect. Although, I must also add that what follows is seldom uplifting, but a little positivity never hurt anyone, eh?
There was this one time, when I called up ETS (which is this agency incharge of importing the brawniest of the third world young and ambitious to allow them to be employed in the excellently morally emancipating fields of working in coal mines and cleaning the green people's latrines). The conversation went something like this
"I see sir, your scores were not sent because when you ordered them, they were not available"
Then I, flummoxed and awed by the sheer weight of intellect at the other end of the line, proceeded to say something like "But your website says that if I do that, you will wait till my scores ARE available", to which the answer was something like "I see sir, your scores were not sent because when you ordered them, they were not available". Now, underestimating third world people is a very common mistake, which I proved immediately by retorting, "Then how is it that you sent the scores to half the places I wanted you to send them to, and not to the other half", and the reply was again, believe it or not "I see sir, your scores were not sent because when you ordered them, they were not available". I was about to hang up, nearly in tears, and at the same time, marvelling at the sheer genius of placing an automatic answering machine with a pre-recorded message to deal with offensive calls. Wonderful, amazing, I want to be one of them. Maybe I'll get some brilliant ideas if that came to pass. I seriously would have died believing that had the headphone not suddenly crackled back into life and said "Sir, i think I know what the problem is ", and proceeded to recount to me how her mother dealt with a bout of acute acne by mixing toadstool with toad.
It was these isolated events, that, on a more sombre note, made me realize that maybe the reason for the green-ness (the type that comes from prosperity) of The Green People and the green-ness (the type that comes from envy) of others is the fact they are so lacking in something, which I cannot quite pinpoint, that they dont waste precious time writing a blog post full of witticisms, and utilize it instead in drinking and spawning, which, it must be realized, is the key to prosperity. of course, there is enough drinking and spawning in third world countries, but the catch is that its not co-ordinated optimally. Co-ordination of drinking and spawning is a science, which we do not understand, because we use too many logical connectives in our sentences.
The green people mastered it. That is why they have so many greenbacks.
sigh...
posted by '~-)Sandman(-~' at 11:10 PM
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