The Master Whiner
Whining is an art. I can attest for that, for I am a master at it.I am the master of whiners. All these years, I have been good at lots of things , but what I have been best at , really, is whining about how I really am not good at them. People go as far as to ask me how I happen to be so good at something as complex as whining, whether I have tips for them on how to become better whiners, for really, one of the deepest and yet most scantly realized truths of the human condition is that the most preferred state of existence is one in which everything goes right with the individual, and yet he whines effectively about every aspect of his existence. But try as I may, I cant help them. For whining is not something you can acquire. Its not a skill. Its a freak mutation of the genes that only very special individuals are born with. You should see my parents try and whine. They sound happy even when they are at it.
I was chatting with a friend of mine, when I switched to Super whine mode about how the modern generation is so unfortunate as not to have to scope to really expand their minds, how we keep on learning things that others did to explain occurrences that others observed , and how had we not been so unlucky, a few hundred generations ago a few generations of couples could have had kids a couple of years before they actually had, and how it would have all accumulated, and we'd have been born 60 years ago. Then he, presumably bored by my whining (for people want to whine about their lives,but somebody else whining, now that isn't a pretty sight), said that he had to tune his guitar.
The funniest thing for me is that when these lesser mortals are around whiners, they keep providing them with whine fodder, thereby aggravating the situation they are so desperately trying to avert. They just keep saying things in order to stop the leaking whining , and slowly the leaking turns into a steady flow, then into a mini flood, and the takes the deluge route to an out an out natural catastrophe. You keep hearing about these hurricanes? You heard of the butterfly effect? Well if an 8 year old ever asks you how hurricanes start, you have your answer.
So anyway. This was whine fodder. Oh yeah baby. Primo. Then , much to the chagrin of my dearly beloved friend, I kept blathering on and on and on and on about how I always wanted to play the guitar, and how I am too lazy to actually go out and buy one, and how if I bought one, I'd almost immediately lose interest in it. I also vaguely remember whining about how I really really wanted my cosmology course to be one on GR. I have no idea how that came up. I guess I really let myself go that day.It swung from my inability to play a guitar to the cosmology course back to guitars, then onto some other things I'd rather not mention on a public forum.
Now get this. This guy is the politest guy I know.So I really really must have let myself go to make him tell me to stop whining. He could take it no longer. I had reached his breaking point, and then ladies and gentlemen , IT happened.
Now I swear this , I never know when I switch to whine mode. Its like this unstoppable power I have that I have no control over. Who knows what I could have achieved had I found a way to harness it. I'd beat Gandhi , who was , after all, a really really really good old nagging whiner (No Offence). So what followed, was, albeit unprecedented, totally unintentional. The next fifteen minutes was a haze. Fifteen long minutes on, I realized, that after my friends rebuke, I had been Whining, about how much I WHINE!!!! My friend had given up. He was just replying in hmms and ohs. I am sure he had tears in his eyes.If he didn't, He is Superman. I was whining about how much I whine! It was amazing, when I actually realized what I was doing, to hear myself rant on and on and on about how I always thought my personal relations are affected by my tendency to whine. It was strange and grotesque and fascinating at the same time, like one of those really ugly turtles they show on Discovery channel, and all the hosts always seem to have that weird disgusted look contorted into a smile, touching the turtle with he tips of their fingers, and yet, pretending to actually pet the turtle as if it was a furry pooch. You want to run as far away from the television as you can, and yet it draws you to it. Grotesque can be fascinating.
So, even if my statement seemed a tad preposterous to you when I started out, I am sure it seems more like an understatement now. I may be the only Man alive at this time who has actually whined about how much he whines when he is not drunk. I didn't consider women. They whine a lot less than men anyway. So please, allow me to refer to myself, as The Master. The next time somebody complains that you are whining too much, just say "I know the Master" . Trust me, the subject wont be broached again.
I was chatting with a friend of mine, when I switched to Super whine mode about how the modern generation is so unfortunate as not to have to scope to really expand their minds, how we keep on learning things that others did to explain occurrences that others observed , and how had we not been so unlucky, a few hundred generations ago a few generations of couples could have had kids a couple of years before they actually had, and how it would have all accumulated, and we'd have been born 60 years ago. Then he, presumably bored by my whining (for people want to whine about their lives,but somebody else whining, now that isn't a pretty sight), said that he had to tune his guitar.
The funniest thing for me is that when these lesser mortals are around whiners, they keep providing them with whine fodder, thereby aggravating the situation they are so desperately trying to avert. They just keep saying things in order to stop the leaking whining , and slowly the leaking turns into a steady flow, then into a mini flood, and the takes the deluge route to an out an out natural catastrophe. You keep hearing about these hurricanes? You heard of the butterfly effect? Well if an 8 year old ever asks you how hurricanes start, you have your answer.
So anyway. This was whine fodder. Oh yeah baby. Primo. Then , much to the chagrin of my dearly beloved friend, I kept blathering on and on and on and on about how I always wanted to play the guitar, and how I am too lazy to actually go out and buy one, and how if I bought one, I'd almost immediately lose interest in it. I also vaguely remember whining about how I really really wanted my cosmology course to be one on GR. I have no idea how that came up. I guess I really let myself go that day.It swung from my inability to play a guitar to the cosmology course back to guitars, then onto some other things I'd rather not mention on a public forum.
Now get this. This guy is the politest guy I know.So I really really must have let myself go to make him tell me to stop whining. He could take it no longer. I had reached his breaking point, and then ladies and gentlemen , IT happened.
Now I swear this , I never know when I switch to whine mode. Its like this unstoppable power I have that I have no control over. Who knows what I could have achieved had I found a way to harness it. I'd beat Gandhi , who was , after all, a really really really good old nagging whiner (No Offence). So what followed, was, albeit unprecedented, totally unintentional. The next fifteen minutes was a haze. Fifteen long minutes on, I realized, that after my friends rebuke, I had been Whining, about how much I WHINE!!!! My friend had given up. He was just replying in hmms and ohs. I am sure he had tears in his eyes.If he didn't, He is Superman. I was whining about how much I whine! It was amazing, when I actually realized what I was doing, to hear myself rant on and on and on about how I always thought my personal relations are affected by my tendency to whine. It was strange and grotesque and fascinating at the same time, like one of those really ugly turtles they show on Discovery channel, and all the hosts always seem to have that weird disgusted look contorted into a smile, touching the turtle with he tips of their fingers, and yet, pretending to actually pet the turtle as if it was a furry pooch. You want to run as far away from the television as you can, and yet it draws you to it. Grotesque can be fascinating.
So, even if my statement seemed a tad preposterous to you when I started out, I am sure it seems more like an understatement now. I may be the only Man alive at this time who has actually whined about how much he whines when he is not drunk. I didn't consider women. They whine a lot less than men anyway. So please, allow me to refer to myself, as The Master. The next time somebody complains that you are whining too much, just say "I know the Master" . Trust me, the subject wont be broached again.
posted by '~-)Sandman(-~' at 1:53 PM
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