Application blues

Now, I am hardly the racist I am made out to be, Why, I am probably the only Indian who showed genuine skepticism about the hypothesis that Andrew Symonds is a monkey. His ancestors were, but that is an entirely different matter altogether. Now , assuming the fact that i am in fact not a racist, one has to take seriously my claim that a certain green skinned race of people, (to whose stronghold I surreptitiously plan to defect to sometime this year, owing to their established monetary pre-eminence) are very dumb.

Especially the people who deal with our petitions (The details of which i'd rather not divulge, but which roughly speaking outline the plight of our existence in a poor third world country (as seen on tv, and the dvd of that movie, बस्ती का कुत्ता करोड़पति) . I mean, I would say I am a very good speaker of the language they supposedly speak, but after a few conversations with their finest, I am left in serious doubt. They simply seem unable to process compound sentences with connectives. You say "See, my point is that you have not recieved my scores to this, but you have recieved my scores to that, which is quite absurd considering I ordered the two together". And then, after a brief awkward gap of about 10 seconds, when you almost give up any hope of conveying your problems, and in the bigger picture, of making the transition from being an alpha in a third world country to being a gamma in The promised land (of the green people) , a raspy Green female voice suddenly crackles through your headphone (if you use skype) "Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, I got that, you were saying your point is , I am sorry, what?", then you proceed to remove all connectives from whatever you said, and proceed to say something that makes no sense to you whatsoever, and miraculously, they understand.!!!, Of course, even that joy is shortlived when you discover that they mistook whatever you said (sans the connectives ) to be a complement to their mothers, but anyway, at least they understood something.

These Green people are a people with an affirmative mindset, (again, as seen on tv broadcasts of a certain dark green skinned guy's speeches, where the positive mindset was only too evident by the hoardes screaming "Yes we can". Nobody yet knows what they can, but hey, who cares). Speaking of this dark green gent, it also is evident that for so rich and prosperous a nation, the Promised Land seems remarkably short of change, but that is for another day, though i 'd like to say that not having change is a precarious situation indeed, and it leads to you opening accounts with all varieties of fruit stalls, chaat wallahs, etc etc. But yeah, coming back to what i was saying, these people are extremely positive, often mindbogglingly so. For example, they start every sentence with at least 4 "yeah"'s. Now this, I have observed, often has a very uplifting effect. Although, I must also add that what follows is seldom uplifting, but a little positivity never hurt anyone, eh?

There was this one time, when I called up ETS (which is this agency incharge of importing the brawniest of the third world young and ambitious to allow them to be employed in the excellently morally emancipating fields of working in coal mines and cleaning the green people's latrines). The conversation went something like this
"I see sir, your scores were not sent because when you ordered them, they were not available"
Then I, flummoxed and awed by the sheer weight of intellect at the other end of the line, proceeded to say something like "But your website says that if I do that, you will wait till my scores ARE available", to which the answer was something like "I see sir, your scores were not sent because when you ordered them, they were not available". Now, underestimating third world people is a very common mistake, which I proved immediately by retorting, "Then how is it that you sent the scores to half the places I wanted you to send them to, and not to the other half", and the reply was again, believe it or not "I see sir, your scores were not sent because when you ordered them, they were not available". I was about to hang up, nearly in tears, and at the same time, marvelling at the sheer genius of placing an automatic answering machine with a pre-recorded message to deal with offensive calls. Wonderful, amazing, I want to be one of them. Maybe I'll get some brilliant ideas if that came to pass. I seriously would have died believing that had the headphone not suddenly crackled back into life and said "Sir, i think I know what the problem is ", and proceeded to recount to me how her mother dealt with a bout of acute acne by mixing toadstool with toad.

It was these isolated events, that, on a more sombre note, made me realize that maybe the reason for the green-ness (the type that comes from prosperity) of The Green People and the green-ness (the type that comes from envy) of others is the fact they are so lacking in something, which I cannot quite pinpoint, that they dont waste precious time writing a blog post full of witticisms, and utilize it instead in drinking and spawning, which, it must be realized, is the key to prosperity. of course, there is enough drinking and spawning in third world countries, but the catch is that its not co-ordinated optimally. Co-ordination of drinking and spawning is a science, which we do not understand, because we use too many logical connectives in our sentences.

The green people mastered it. That is why they have so many greenbacks.
sigh...

I have no fucking idea what this is :-o

Ok. First of all, I have no fucking idea what this is all about, but you probably already got that from the title of this post. To cut a long story short, I "set out" to blog, and after sitting around for about an hour (with the odd porn clip thrown in) I suddenly remembered (dramatically of course, with appropriate Hitchcock style music playin in the background) that I have many unfinished unpublished posts, which I could publish. This one seems to be from three years back (:-o), and after reading it, it doth seem that I was (very) gay about three years back. However, that is besides the point. I have no fucking idea how I conceived this story would unfold. In fact, had I suffered head trauma and had my memory of the last three years wiped out, I can state with some certainty that one of two things would happen.

a) I would blame it on one my my currently gay friends who still can wield the ugly blade of flowery prose
b) I would actually know what the fuck I was thinking when i was writing this story, and hence probably know how this story was supposed to have ended

Reader must note that I do not quite know if memory wipeout reverts me to the state I was in three years ago, or leaves my state invariant and just erases my memory. But anyway. Help would be appreciated..
So here goes :

" It was a cold , damp, and oppressively still night. The air was thick with the sweet smell of death, as if death herself had descended on this barren wasteland ", He began. He had planned this for days. He hadnt written a blog entry for over a month.He had planned that he would write one starting exactly this way for days, in fact a week to this day to be precise, or "utterly precise" as he liked to say.He was happy, not to mention. He was, as we decent folk would say, " a nice, dumb bloke" . He had an utterly maladroitly irritatingly unsettling habit of listening to the same song over and over and over again. He was, for instance playing "Zombies" for the fifth time today, and considering that the day was just two hours and sixteen minutes old, well, ladies and gentlemen, you have quite an achievement here. Anyway, back to his blog entry.
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"Nina glanced about herself furtively. She was a pale, a ghastly pale, and if she were to see herself in the state that she found herself , much to her own utter befuddlement , she would surely have a heartattack. It was beyond comprehension, at least beyond her comprehension. "
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" She was normal, as normal and unremarkable as a mass produced Japanese car. Till this moment that is, when even she could discern that her life had suddenly taken a totally inexplicable, but all pervading change . She was never overtly intellegent, in fact it would be fair to say that she had never said an intellegent thing in her life , but then she had never said a dumb thing in her life either.But she was intellegent enough to know there was something the matter with her. She was a sweet little spoilt girl. She knew that her mother was obnoxiously rich , and that she had absolutely nothing to worry about. Her father of course, was a Son Of a Bitch (and she had a fair idea of that too, though she never bothered to ask him to establish the authenticity of the aforesaid assertion). She had a , shall we say, a "life" , as is the fad to have nowadays . Why, There she was, just four hours ago it seemed, indulging in lascivious talk over luscious food with men as stupid as she herself was, and maybe as rich. She had gone back home from the party, content with life and whatever else she could content with, and had gone to sleep, happy with life, with the smile that this guy had flashed her, with the way that guy had looked at her. In short, she was a dumb , sweet bitch whose sole aim in life was to get laid by a handsome guy who had enough brains to help her from losing all her money."
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"Anyway,she had come back home, and being utterly exhausted from doing nothing, had gone straight to sleep. And then the next thing she could remember was that she had woken up on the cold bench in that park by the pond that her mother had forbidden her to play in as a child, on the pretext that it was where poor children played. In truth, however, it was a sense of dread that the park evoked in her , a strange and inexplicably eerie sense of dread , that prevented her from letting her daughter venture into that park. She could not explain it, and being a superstitous woman, did not make any attempts to, and simply forbade her daughter to play there. So her daughter never did. "
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"Her first reaction was one of utter shock, as it should be when the subject is not clinically insane, which she definitely wasnt.She had sat there with her mouth hanging like those ridiculous cartoons, for a good fifteen minutes or so. In fact it would be fair to say that if IT had happened in those fifteen minutes, she would definitely have died of the shock.